I am touched by a chord ,
A passion and a language I myself ignore
when still sane.
But then I get sweet talked into it.
I let go.
This is Sunday , my day to organize thoughts & apartment . I don’t know why this is so necessary for me spending relaxed Sundays but again , I don’t know answers to many things in any case.
So , enjoying sun , time & thoughts.
गाम्भीर्य एक आदर्श वक्तव्य
एक अधिकतर मुखौटा फिर उन संवेदनाओं तक
जहाँ विचार श्रृंखला पहुँचती तो है
पर पारदर्शिता के आगे
फिर एक प्रश्नसूची।
Usually , I am very sorted out but at sometimes I observe things which I should not . Poverty , Illiteracy are the two grounds which till date have kept me on my toes . Have to heavily engage myself sorting out and playing around with themes. I sit in Board Room discussing million worth business but in the morning while I am drying my laundry , I come across two scrap binning kids .
Am confused for you see at times , even if I close my eyes , I can feel the pick of the question what if this were me , what if I was having no one to stand by me , feed me , educate me . Somebody for me to show the path , somebody to lead me through the massive huge plethora of life . At some point , I always find life pretty testing as to nothing seems in my clarity as to what I could actually do , what I could actually miss and above anything , what actually I might require in life to do for them . I keep going through the details , and may be have massively myself passed through the whole contemporary context myself , and if I look at the massive & grave niceties , I think I do lack that force , vigor that , or you can say charisma to bring in change , for I as well very clearly veto that this is something very intense on the fire line , where the desire and aspire has to come from with in , but do I think at age where on one hand we have pretty hi tech solutions for carrying out life , at the same end we have people asking for alms , a multi billion residential complex and these two boys no where to go . Am just wondering , how many of us sit & take note because for me even acknowledging a drudgery , its impact on some or the other human life is a statement in compassion . I lose my heart , at certain points , and when I have to answer to myself for all that , I , I come up with nothing in particular . I am afraid , I still say , ” I can’t do much. ”
वेदना संवेदना – गंभीरता
इस वर्तनी के साथ , रात प्रहर मैं जीता तो रहूँ
कई कुछ प्रश्न हैं , मुझे उत्तर नहीं मालूम।
पर मैं धरातल पर गिरा हूँ , बहुत बार
औंधें मुँह , विनती करते हुए , ” मुझे भावुकता की सादगी में ही जीने दो ,
वरना मैं चाहता हूँ , एक शांत मृत्यु। “
* Jahangir is my Chai Mitra . He looks after our office premise , with honest smile . Doesn’t accept anything . What keeps him so content and sharing ? What makes me capable even of commenting on his social conditions ” but
कवि मन हैं बंजारा ,
Even if I try ,
Try very hard ,
Feel still very lost ,
In the tiring arcade .
Quietly want retreat ,
out of this heat.
What the War is there for to be ?
I did bump into kind a loving the music strains that the music , well nothing much I can talk today but let me try . I think the ever best tribute would be to go hearing some Aslam’s , et cetra.
Taking advice , have some damn stuff going on in hand sort of Amitav Ghosh like . So, either I can destroy the track there , or here .
Let me go there , from here , THERE .
But why ? And WHERE ?
Am not possible . Need to talk Ghosh not Sabri , today but.
Art Department is my favorite place to lounge from my college days , these chaps add some texture and context to my life. My expression gets an outer window , thanks to their liking for sharing craziness with me. But , now when I work next to Artisan , I find them very real lot . Its’ not like just going and saying , ” Perfect shot , ” It is like feeling , stalking that thought which they want visualized. God Bless everyone today , am thinking about ” Atman ” as in soul to see it from our Art Director’s point of view. Gosh ! I am getting sleepless till I see Atman for him .
Pray for my Atman ! I try my hand at ” Atman ” for our ” Aasmaas ” back at work .
Certain things are pretty like surprising , you thought , you know it and here actually , here is all what you lost it . Language is somewhat a sort of catastrophic growth , backing off is like simply impossible . I have just been fiddling with the thoughts which could be simply thoughts but very very special thoughts , thoughts as in thoughts .
I mean connecting to words is beyond the generalities , beyond the bookish literati , scholars . Getting something dragged out from the crux absolute nothings is intoxicating . And I think if I can sideline the knowledge that is actually already in flow , I can take myself into somewhat a frenzy , heights of discovering something . Well , language enables , brings open the skies to halt , have a look back considering giving some outlet , and that should be termed somewhat an experience completely my own . In context of language , I love to hate myself where thirty people can trash one usage and I would stand supporting it lively and with innocent idiocy .
It has happened many times , many times , have cut a blank figure but brightened up the very next moment.
Long live my aboriginal originality !
Yesterday evening was somewhat interesting in life . As usual , I was sipping chai and standing outright in the door doing nothing in particular , I am sure this would be complete breach of code of conduct if I said , I was eavesdropping but certain things I can’t avoid .
This writing would damn stretch for I am going to write in bits , and in bits attend to my bread & butter , I am not eating , just at work . So , this was a typical conversation between typical husband and wife . You guys must be smiling , what the hell this girl has been upto ? Well , nothing that which would kill you , or me or for that reason him , whoever that is.
The conversation , my loved ones was involving a bored house wife getting back on the terms of day to an equally boring husband. And it was ” Garlic ” .Damn the subject , husband nagged her for overusing it and she burst into tears when she lost the argument . How mundane but may be that’s what partnerships are about ! Smiling & crying for nothing.
But aren’t partnerships for something higher than mundane ? I only pray , I stay away today accidentally bumping into something as that above mundane.
But , temptation is high to check out , if relations are back to normal in kitchen , but I have chickened out of this today . I am happy thinking my own sweet no thinking .
I don’t know , amidst my regular day to day work and life order , today suddenly I have burst into sort of this unexplained frenzy of reaching my key pad regularly . Somewhere , in my sub conscious I remember something has been bothering me , some unattended to issues , some unsaid words , and may be in my case life goes into a replay of what was long time left unattended there in the unclaimed , corner of mind. I suddenly recollected having read Late Sardar Khushwant Singh’s routine somewhere , I mean I used to be very impressed as you see getting up at 4:00 , going through the spiritual pretext and then , my God , the writing part . The writer had that sense of time and may be the value of money though coming from high profile ancestry , he was down to earth , may be self made or may be he was joking all the time to keep us in illusion , encharmed but it is not at all to mention that he was very very talented , and coming from me hardly matters , the chap doesn’t require my endorsement . So , back to point , I was wondering that for the modern times , writing comes so easy , people blank headed like me can have a personal blog what else to say , so touching and completely to my own surprise , I think writing when is a serious business , serious as in serious – Amitav Ghosh , Vikram Seth type , I mean the writing for them is life , so real , they live to say and they say only when they have lived it . In our times , blogs are easy to manage and live .
Yahoo ! I have proven my point by not writing anything till the point now.